When Mr Right Is Turning Out Wrong

“We waste time looking for the perfect love, instead of creating the perfect love.” Timothy Oliveria

In our dreams, we would like Mr Right to rescue us, read our minds and surprise us with thoughtful gifts every year that we are married.

We are prompted to look for Mr Right. Female magazines share countless advice on how to nab the perfect man. And so, we end up with some vague notion of the perfect life that we are going to lead after marriage. However, we have a rude awakening when reality does not match this ideal dream. Rita Rutner, comedian and actress, said this candidly…

“When I eventually met Mr Right, I had no idea that his first name was Always.”

As the years roll by, a number of us are aggrieved to find that we could have perhaps made a mistake. The Mr Right with whom we have married is not turning out to be so right after all! We get into episodes of blame, anger and frustration at our partners. Indeed, I discovered that this was a common experience judging from the many recent stories I am encountering from friends, clients and strangers alike.

Counselors often tell us that we should not marry the person who is not right for us. And so, it helps to think carefully before taking the plunge. Yet, no matter how much effort we put into getting to know our partners well before marriage, conflicts are bound to occur in any relationship over time.

Just last week, a conflict between my husband and I arose right on the day of our 15th wedding anniversary. It became a who-is-right-and-who-is-wrong issue. Unfortunately, the conflict disrupted our dinner plans that evening and took us a day to make up. It was also when the topic of right-and-wrong got me thinking again.

The Ego’s Vendetta

In the end, it is our response that matters in keeping the relationship going. If we are focused on apportioning blame, the relationship is going to suffer. However, if we set aside the “I, me and my” for “we, us and togetherness”, the relationship is more likely to thrive well.

Let’s dive into the root of rightness. Whenever there is a relationship conflict, there is separation. It happens when we start to apportion blame or think in terms of who is right and who is wrong. Should we choose to look inwards, we would realize that the grasping to right and wrong comes from our ego selves. Our ego loves to hang on to being right: If I am right, then the subtle inference is the other party is wrong. Or, if I can show that my partner is wrong, it just goes to prove that I am right.

Our ego selves get a big boost every time it asserts its position. Being right makes us perfect. In our most aggrieved state, it is possible to become blind to our own imperfections. We lay all blame on our partners. We insist that we are right.

We have long been taught that it is not okay to be wrong. While we were in school, we were penalized if we made a mistake, failed a subject or lagged behind in a class. We were taught to associate our actions with the person we are. Today, we also pay a price if we do not perform our jobs right. There is little room for mistakes in a competitive dog-eat-dog society.

So the theme of perfectionism runs pretty much in our lives.

Including our adult married life.

The Better Way Forward

Love is not automatic. It takes conscious practice and awareness, just like playing the piano or golf. However, you have ample opportunities to practice. Everyone you meet can be your practice session. ~ Brandi Snyder

Let’s be mindful of the ego.

Consider releasing our grasps to right and wrong.

Recognize that no one wins whenever there is separation and conflict.

What the ego is holding on to is merely a perception and perception is not necessarily reality. It helps to back down and clear the air. Should both parties take the responsibility of looking inwards, there can be hope. Embrace one’s own imperfect self first and then look for a way forward together. I do suggest letting go of any mental torment of having made a mistake in our choice of Mr Right.

“An open mind leaves a chance for someone to drop a worthwhile thought.” anonymous

After all, nobody is perfect. We may be individually imperfect but we can come together to create a beautiful union. Letting go and forgiveness may not be an easy process. No one said it would be. But there are ways and tools to help us realign energetically in order to release the past. If you need any coaching and healing assistance, contact me.

During the meditation retreat I attended last month, Ajahn Brahm – the abbot of Boddhiyana Monastery in Perth shed some light: It is in imperfection that offers the lesson of unconditional love.

Love and Abundance Always,

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