Introvert Guide: How to Build Authentic Self-Confidence

A big questions is: How can we build self-confidence, as an introvert, in a world that seems to favour the extroverts? 

Some clients of mine who are introverts seem to believe that their quiet personality is some kind of death sentence and that they are already at a disadvantage.

Well, it is true that those who are extroverted or have an outgoing personality tend to attract friends easily. They are fun, bright and great to hang out with. Generally, they appear to be confident about themselves. Society is also  inclined to believe that those who are extroverted make natural leaders. But does this mean that those who are introverted have no or less chance to be successful? 

Well, I’d like to share from my perspective as someone with an introverted personality but still desiring to connect with others socially.  Also, I’d like to correct some myths on introverts. I also like to believe that the world has enough space for introverts to thrive as much as the extroverts or anyone in between. 

Most introverts are quiet. They can feel as if they “don’t belong”. Quietness can seem to be something out of place in a world that is noisy. In fact, introversion is often perceived as something undesirable or a sign of weakness. From not speaking up, our silence is interpreted as being shy, having a lack of confidence and as having nothing valuable to contribute. 

As kids, we may be taught that there is something fundamentally wrong with having an introverted or quiet personality. We were not the popular ones in school for sure. I recall feeling rather hurt when I was labelled as a “quiet kid”, which caused me to retreat even more into silence.

Recently, while attending a dinner-cum-networking gathering, someone suddenly pointed out that I have been really quiet.  For a moment, I could feel as if all eyes were on me. Till then, I was occupied with listening to what the more talkative ones had to share. Put in the spot, I felt as if I had to defend myself for being quiet. 

Keanu Reeves has much to say about being a quiet person…

I hate when people ask me: “Why are you so quiet?” Because I am. That’s how I function. I don’t ask others, “Why do you talk so much?” It’s rude.

 

 

What’s Happening in The Quiet World of an Introvert

I’d like to share what is going on in my quiet world.

While I may prefer not to speak for various reasons, it doesn’t mean that I have nothing to share or that I am not interested in the topic.

Sometimes, I prefer to listen rather than talk. I am actively listening and taking an interest to what the speaker is saying.

Sometimes, it is because I refuse to take part in a conversation that is gossipy and unhealthy. Talk that has a low energy vibe just doesn’t sit well. I would be secretly thinking up excuses to leave as soon as possible.

Then, there are also times when I need to process my own thoughts and feelings. It’s why I am quiet. Yet, in case anyone is mistaken, it is not a silent on the inside. My mind is busy reflecting on the finer points of the subject matter. Plus, I’m busy with connecting to how I feel. 

And of course, there are times when my mind is somewhere in space. It happens when the conversation is boring. Topics like politics just don’t interest me. I’m sorry but I just can’t help zoning out.

Being Quiet as an Introvert versus Being Shy with Low Self-Confidence

Let’s represent the difference in a diagram so that it is easier to understand.

Refer to the diagram as follows…

• There are people (including myself) who are introverted but who will speak up or join in conversations when necessary. We may also enjoy social gatherings and feel the need for regular connection, since we are somewhere in the introversion-extroversion spectrum. When it is a topic that we are passionate about, we won’t stop ourselves from expressing our views.
• There are also people who are shy but who are not introverts. Their problem is a lack of confidence and the fear of judgment, more than anything else. 
• Some people are both shy and introverted. They fall in the overlapping section, per the diagram. They prefer to stay out of sight, thus choosing not to be seen or heard.
• Finally, there are also others who are not shy and who are not introverts. Thus they have more of an extroverted nature and have healthy self-esteem. 

From Shyness to Gaining Authentic Self-Confidence

Regardless of whether we are an introvert or not, gaining self-acceptance and having confidence is key to mental and emotional well-being and success. 

Where you have a lack of confidence and esteem, it will help to address the root cause of your issues. There are many reasons why this can happen. One possible reason is having authoritarian or overprotective parents. There may also be incidents in the past that led you to believe that it is not safe to be seen or heard. These can affect your ability to be visible in the present. 

In short, here’s what I like anyone to understand…
Being quiet is not a bad thing. 
Being an introvert is not a sign of weakness. 
Shyness or low self-confidence can be changed. 

If you are an introvert like myself, I’d like to invite you to shift to the left side of the diagram.

When you have greater confidence, you’d know that it is okay to be quiet and that nothing stops you from speaking your mind freely if you choose to. 

I believe that it starts with self-acceptance. Even though we tend to be more quiet, we are accepting of our introverted nature. With true self-acceptance, we are better able to become authentically confident. At a deep level, we are aware that we matter. We also recognise that we have it in us to make valuable contributions to the world – even though we are an introvert. 

Are you an introvert? Share your thoughts below. If you need help, do reach out to me here. 

Love and abundance always, 
Evelyn